My Devil Toolbox - A journey to self-healing.
I often wonder how life would have been different today had I reached for a different set of tools to help me cope with that initial heartbreak from 20 years ago.
In 2000, the love of my life broke my heart. After 7 years, out of the blue, he said he needed “a few days.” Well, quite a few days have passed since that day in 2000, and to cope with that initial heartbreak, I made alcohol, my best friend. (Funny how I was always the non-drinker in the family – how did this even happen?)
And so, my Devil Toolbox was born.
For the next 10 years, I reached into my Devil Toolbox to cope with just about everything. It was filled with all sorts of self-sabotaging behaviors, such as drinking, smoking, reckless dating, “sick days” from work (a.k.a. hangovers), reckless spending, and a variety of other things that started me down my self-destructive path.
It was loaded with a whole lotta BAD decisions.
At the end of the day, after fits of crying, loneliness, confusion, sleepless nights, loss of appetite, and helplessness, ALCOHOL was always there to soothe my pain. It completely took me out of what I was feeling and put me into the illusion that I was invincible.
When I was intoxicated, I felt empowered. I experienced visions of grandiosity and thought, “I am going to do GREAT things.”
Unfortunately, this illusion only lasted until I blacked out. Once I came to, I was left with the crying, loneliness, confusion, sleepless nights, loss of appetite, and helplessness…you see where I’m going here.
Alcohol only helped me to strengthen one thing - my character defects. Drinking wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life, including my career, relationships, self-confidence, passions, finances, and, ultimately, my ability to take care of myself in any way.
By the time I reached the end of my 30s, I was at home living with my Mom - no job, unemployable, broke, no friends, no more boyfriend, physically sick, and spiritually bankrupt.
I had completely lost myself. Then it happened.
I got sober and surrendered to a life without alcohol
Finally, after hitting many, many bottoms, I got sober and surrendered to a life without alcohol. I had fought so hard and for so long to hold onto the most poisonous thing for my soul. I found myself unable to fight anymore. I had landed in a place where I was exhausted, beaten down, hopeless, and apathetic. I knew I wanted better. I knew I could do better. I just lost sight of how to do it.
This isn’t a story about my sober journey though. Believe me, I’ll get to that. But fast forward 9 years from that day in 2011, and I can’t help but wonder to myself, “How would my life had turned out differently had I used a different set of tools back then – the tools that I use today?” Here’s a few ideas:
I could have gotten married.
I could have been a Mom.
I could have had my dream house.
I could have had a successful career.
I could have written that book.
I could have retirement savings.
I could have travelled.
There’s a whole lotta “what ifs” to that story, BUT…
…God chose this path for me for a reason.
I would not, without a doubt, have the strength of character, resilience, compassion, empathy, insight, or drive that I have today had I not gone through the journey that was planned for me.
I came out a WINNER. I survived something PROFOUND.
And instead of walking around bragging about it, I pay it forward. I extend a hand to other women who have been down this path and still feel stuck. I inspire those still struggling. I work every day on my character defects and childhood wounds because they live deep inside of me, still.
But over the years, in sobriety, I have learned how to cope with life’s tough times in a much healthier way.
Today I practice clean and healthy living, and I approach it holistically -through mind, body and spiritual work. I believe I am meant to be right where I am, right here and right now, and that I was meant to get here precisely as I did.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I manifest good things to happen in my life.
I have peace.
I don’t have bad days. I have bad moments that pass. Today I am positive instead of self-defeating.
My toolbox today is filled with so much soulful goodness, it’s too good not to share with you. I welcome you to join my self-healing community and receive a free copy of my Healing Toolkit to start.
I look forward to sharing my journey and healing essentials with you!
With Healing Love,
Christina