How did I recover from an eating disorder?
Well, here’s the truth. I haven’t really recovered. I am recover-ing.
Mental illness is for life. If we choose to overcome our battles with one, we choose, what I call for myself, recovery, which is a life-long commitment to living a healthier life. Does this make me abnormal or “sick?” NO. This mean, my brain functions differently than many others, and my illness can manifest in a variety of ways. For me, it was a pre-occupation with food and being thin, which later transferred into alcoholism. So once I got one disorder under control, so to speak, I transferred my addiction to another.
I have an addictive brain. And I want to feel good. Back then, being thin felt good. After that, being intoxicated felt good.
So how did I tackle this eating thing? Or should I say, not-eating thing?
First, I asked for help
Let me back up…I asked for help after being given an ultimatum. My parents threatened to take me out of college my senior year if I didn’t “turn this shit around.” I mean, I was smarter than that (so they told me)! Because we all know that mental illness is all about willpower, right? NOT!
Luckily I wasn’t so far down the skinny path before I decided to get well-er, so I started therapy when I returned to school. I don’t really remember how I felt during those sessions (if you want me to be perfectly honest). But I do remember what I learned. I had control issues with my father, a distorted view of myself, an unhealthy need to be perfect, and a feeling of isolation from everyone around me. I did not know where I belonged or where I fit in.
So, oh my goodness, what do you even do with that?
I created a new routine
I had to create new habits and re-learn how to take care of myself. I forced myself to eat meals three times a day, even if they were small meals. My roommates watched me like a hawk and I had to learn to rise above their scrutiny. It didn’t matter who I was pleasing, because after a while on that routine, I started to feel better about ME. I started running. It helped to ease my anxiety and the natural endorphins replaced those produced from starving myself.
Slowly, my focus shifted from how in control I felt from starving myself to how healthy and strong I felt after a power run.
I journaled
In other words, I documented everything. I always kept diaries when I was younger, but this shit was hard core - deep and dark. And quickly, I realized the power of putting my thoughts on paper. There I would sit with my own honesty staring me in the face. There was no room for denial. And the sooner I got it on paper, the more quickly I started to heal. I could identify my patterns and triggers. My inner self started speaking to me. Sometimes I’d ask, “who is this girl? Do I even know her?” No, I didn’t know her, but I would learn to.
Learning how to create new habits literally changed how my brain was working. It’s called Neuroplasticity, the mind’s ability to change the brain. So with regards to getting the eating disorder under control, creating these healthier habits worked to shift my mindset. I lived with a pre-occupation with food for a long time, but I stopped fearing food with practice over time.
I’m so grateful for landing in Nutrition school at a time in my life when I could really appreciate how healthy food can heal.
Food used to be my enemy. Today it’s a source of power, and I have learned that properly fueling myself is an act of self love, not self hate.
It’s been a long journey with my addictive brain, and that’s not where the story ends, but I’ll save that for next time.
Until then…
With Healing Love - Christina