Wrapping up this year has been easy for me. It was a great year, don't get me wrong. But going into the last month of the year, I lost my Father (on Thanksgiving to be exact), and so for me, the holidays will never quite be the same again.
This doesn't mean I won't enjoy this beautiful time of year. In fact, I had a wonderful holiday season, full of love, laughter and togetherness. It was actually one of the best holidays I have had in a long time. I was engaged, busy and full of spirit. Most people I know were a bit surprised. But here's the thing.
My Dad loved Christmas. And there was something about the timing of his death that sits with me differently than most would expect. It was as if I could hear him telling me and pushing me to fill my heart and soul with all the love, kindness and joy the holidays offer. It was as if he was reminding me not to get caught up in the grief, but to celebrate and soak in all the memories of our Chistmases growing up. My mind was flooded with childhood memories all season, memories he made happen, because he made Christmas, and so many other times in my life so enjoyable.
Now, I want to tell you something about my Father. He was not an easy man to have a relationship with. As I journeyed through my adult years, we had plenty of bumps and bruises in our relationship. The details of that don't matter right now, but there's plenty of stories I will tell you as I continue to heal through this. And up until the end of his journey here, he was stubborn and selfish, to be honest. My brothers and I did what we could with the resources we had to help him along, but he made that difficult because he wanted to do things his way. And so we had to respect that.
I didn't spend alot of time with my Dad in my later years because I did have resentments. But I loved him nonetheless. He and my Mom divorced back in 2001 and I remained loyal to my Mother and helped her heal through alot of pain throughout the years. Quite a few years later, my Dad started joining us for holiday dinners, family nights out and other family traditions, but it was different. And that was OK. Our unit stayed together. My one brother remained very close to him and bent over backwards for him, but I am happy my Dad had one of us by his side through the years. It just wasn't me.
Do I feel guilty about that? No, not really. I mended my relationship with my Dad and what we had was good. And I was fortunate to be able to spend as much time as I did with him the last few months of his life, and specifically, the day before he died. I don't know why God chose me to be the one to find him on Thanksgiving morning, but I can say that the healing work I have done in my own life became very relevant in that moment. I am still working through that memory of finding him. It's cuts to my core and I lose my breath, but I will not ignore it. I will think about it with love and grace until that thought softens in my heart - until it doesn't hurt, but instead fills me with peace.
Funny thing - I sat down tonight to write about a 2 week plant based meal challenge I am starting on January 2nd. And somehow, all of this came up. But that's the cool thing about journaling and writing and blogging. You start with a clean slate every time. You can do whatever you want with it. And sometimes, like today, it's just another step forward in the healing process.
Until next time, when I share my thoughts about detoxing on a plant based diet! Happy New Year and here's to bringing in another year full of love, compassion and healing.
In healing love,
Coach Christina